...not specifically the ones that I'm going to see soon. I mostly am just thinking about and missing the ones that I'm not going to see for the first summer in probably 10 or more years. I've been going to Lakewood to see Busia every summer for what feels like forever. Then, when she died, I still went to help clean out the house and everything. I know that I'm going to be on that side of the US soon, but New Jersey isn't anywhere near Lakewood (it'd be kind of like saying that Bethel is close to Homer because it's in the same state. Yes, they are in the same state, but the travel involved is both expensive and takes time).
Mom is there now. Cousin Joe and family went back to do a family memorial for Aunt Eleanor, and I really wish I could have been there. It was hard to be here when she died, but it's almost harder to be here when the rest of the family is able to all be there, all together.
I was listening to some music as I got ready for work, and all of a sudden, I realized that I was crying thinking about Aunt Eleanor and Aunt Mary and even Busia still. I think that I couldn't deal with it all the way over here, and now, in the summer, when I usually would see extended family, not seeing them is really....present in my mind.
I guess it's ironic that this is all happening the day before my birthday...it's all a reminder that we're all getting older, and that it's going to happen sooner or later that the older generation will die. I think it's just hard for me to get closure without seeing things, without participating in the rituals, without being able to share my grief with others who are going through the same thing.
I was listening, and I found some solace - just a little - in this song.
Spark a match and watch the candle burn
the wick runs out and then love takes its turn
on fallen angels and broken sounds
we will last past the final round
It took a while for you to find me
but I was hiding in the lime tree
above the city in the rain cloud
I poked a hole and watched it drain out
Parallel to the city streets
our broken crowns beneath our feet
but as we walk across the diamonds
we know that love is always shining
So save me love, save me all the time
I'll wash you down with a simple sip of wine
and toast my glass to all my loved ones
to let them know that the stars well they still shine
but I was hiding in the lime tree
above the city in the rain cloud
I poked a hole and watched it drain out
It took a while for you to find me
but I was hiding in the lime tree
above the city in the rain cloud
I poked a hole and watched it drain out
