tofu and other thoughts

I just had tofu for the first time since I moved from home. Wow. Tofu and a good conversation. It kind of blew my socks off how much I missed it. (I mean, I get good conversation here pretty regularly, but definitely not tofu.)

So I've been thinking quite a lot about what next year means in terms of where I'm going to be living and what I'm going to be doing. I am going to be applying to Jesuit Volunteers International (working on the application now) but I also know that many people apply to JVI every year, and many don't get in.
I also know that Bethel is a place that even if I leave, I won't ever be able to forget. Maybe it's because of the people I've met here, maybe it's the awesome beauty of the tundra, maybe it's the work I'm doing, but there is something about it here that makes it hard to think about leaving.
I've been trying to open myself up to all the options, but, in the way that I always manage to do, I get all fucked up over everything. Is it worth the fear of leaving to go? Or is it worth the fear of everyone else leaving to stay?
Though I don't consider this any final decision at all, this song by Slaid Cleaves really spoke to me. I figure when things like this jump out at me, it's probably worth it to listen to what they're saying, right?

One Good Year

It's New Year's Day
Just like the day before
Same old skies of grey
Same empty bottles on the floor
Another year gone by
And I'm thinking once again
How can I take this losing hand
And somehow win

Just give me one good year
To get my feet back on the ground
I've been chasing grace
But grace ain't so easily found
One bad hand can devil a man
Chase him and carry him down
I gotta get out of here
Just give me one good year

I'm burning oil
Engine's running rough
I drive from job to job
But it's never enough
I can't find the will
To just up and get away
Some kind of chains holding me down
To make me stay.

Just give me one good year.....

It's a bitter wind
In your face every day
It's the little sins
That wear your soul away
When you start giving in
Where do the promises all go
Will your darkest hour
Write a blank check on your soul

Just give me one good year
To get my feet back on the ground
I've been chasing grace
But grace ain't so easily found
One bad hand can devil a man
A good one can turn him around
I gotta get out of here

Just give me one good year
I gotta get out of here
Just give me one good year

record

Record Report
Statement as of 9:28 am EST on November 23, 2008

Record event report: National Weather Service Bethel AK 5:30 am akst Sun. Nov 23 2008... New low temperature record set for the 23rd... at 4:22 am akst the temperature reached 26 degrees below zero.This breaks the record of 21 below set November 23 1988.

The crazy part is that ambient temperature of -26 doesn't mean much when there's a 20 mph wind blowing across town. That's when the temperature is really -46. Wow.

It's getting colder.

I'm sitting in my living room, drinking chai tea and dreading - not going to work exactly, but the walk to work... It's currently around 3 degrees ambient, but the wind is blowing, and with windchill, it's around -20. Say you don't believe me? Proof.

Current Conditions

Bethel, Alaska (Airport) Updated: 1 hr 32 min 46 sec ago
-3 °F / -19 °C
Scattered Clouds
Windchill: -21 °F / -29 °C
Humidity: 82%
Dew Point: -7 °F / -22 °C
Wind: 12 mph / 18 km/h / 5.1 m/s from the NNW
Visibility: 10.0 miles / 16.1 kilometers
Snow Depth: 10.0 in / 25.40 cm

...now that's cold. But it's also only November. And I know it's going to get colder.

I'm in charge of this big project for Christmas/holiday time at work, and it's kind of stressing me out. Not because I think I can't do it, but because it's one of those things that happen every year, and a new person does it every year, and so I've got 16 other people's work to live up to. Ugh. And I really really really miss home. And SF. I mean, it's good here, but I think I've got a little Alaska-style cabin fever. (Not so hard when there's been snow outside and it's been cold for a month and a half.) I know that I'm just not used to it, and it's just a very new experience to feel so isolated, and so stuck. I think maybe even just getting into Anchorage at this point would be good, but I'm not scheduled to go anywhere (anywhere urban at least, village travel happens every once and a while) until I go home, but that seems so far away right now. Yes, even though I know that it's only going to be a month and a couple of days...

Ahh...a month and a couple of days...that sounds so amazing. And I'll be home for two weeks and I'll be able to drive on real roads, and go to a movie, and ...the possibilities are endless. And that's another thing: NEVER AGAIN will I complain that there is nothing to do in Lacey. You think it's lame? Really? Move to Bethel, and then tell me how lame it is. You have SO MANY OPTIONS! (Yes! Even if one of them is just hanging out at Denny's all night...)

Alright, one more topic of conversation before I have some breakfast and get ready for work. (I'm not just lazy, on Tuesdays, I work from 1:00-9:00pm because I have evening childcare for the group that happens for the women in the shelter.) I was convinced that coming up here, I was going to blow up like someone had taken a tire pump to me. That's all I'd heard, that everyone gains weight like CRAZY, especially once the snow starts (makes sense...when your body gets this cold, it starts storing everything it can...) Had a bit of a rocky start, gaining some weight when I first got here, but, I'm happy to say that I'm not completely miserable about the state of my weight. And yes, maybe I'm just being a stupid girl about it, but I don't care. On the other hand, I've lost all muscle tone in my body whatsoever, so there you go. I really need to work out when I'm home for Christmas.

So, Obama won the election. (Yay!) I think that I knew it was going to happen. I was counting on America with a strange optimism, and, for the first time in what feels like forever, I'm really fuckin' proud of my country. And then Christine Gregoire won, and most of the local WA elections that I was looking at went the way I wanted them to...
...and then Prop 8 passed. And I really couldn't believe it. It was like a sock in the stomach, and I kind of felt sick for a while. And I know that you can't always get everything you want, but...if I could have done anything...it sucks. And yet, we're on our way to something better, and I believe that America is going to be forced to look at issues that we've enjoyed avoiding for years. And on Nov. 4th, as I was sitting in a friend's living room with a bunch of other liberal 20 to 30 somethings, it occured to me that maybe, just maybe starting now, we have stopped being spectators, and starting being citizens again. And that was really exciting.

So that's where I'm at. Mostly just the same person, with some expanded musical tastes and skills, a job where I'm forced to confront the most traumatizing things that have ever happened to other people every day, lots of Franzia box wine (cause it's cheap, easy to transport, and mostly just tastes like juice), and a realization that there is nowhere else in America quite like Bethel.

Everyone should check out the song "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Ben Sollee. Besides having a wicked cello part at the beginning, it's a pretty amazing song. He called it. It did come and will come... (oohh....I do believe that that's what she said:)

Love, Bethy