Step two is the hard part.

There are some things that I’m holding on to. They’re not good things. They’re things that make me feel angry and bitter and confused, but perhaps because I cannot understand them, I seem to be unable to heal. I’m certainly able to run away from them though, and they’re following me. I shouldn’t be dreaming about these things – these people, but my subconscious keeps bringing them up. What I’m refusing to address during my waking hours, I’m forced to deal with in sleep. They’re not physically close to me, but I’m carrying them both on my back every second of every day.

And as much as I really want to blame this on those people, I know that it’s me that has to shake them off. It’s not my fault, but it IS my responsibility. I didn’t ask to get hurt, but that’s the way the cookie crumbled. I can’t say that I’ve never unintentionally (or intentionally, for that matter) hurt someone else. Whether they did it on purpose or not, it’s there. And it’s mine to deal with. Step one: own it. Step two: ……….aw fuck.

Bethy

my friends

I have the best friends in the world.

The simple fact is that I think I must be the luckiest person in the entire world. The people who I love and surround myself with have shown me what it means to be kind, what it means to have fun, what it means to be human. The friendships I have made in Bethel, in Newark, in San Francisco, in Lacey - these people now live and work and love all over the world, and I know that I am cared for and surrounded by love where ever I am. I don't have a whole lot of tragedy in my life, but, in the event that it does strike, I know that I have someone to call, to cry to, to boost me up. And that is the most important thing of all.

Thank you to all my friends. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for understanding that I love you even though I'm at a point in my life where I have a hard time keeping any sort of constant communication open because I'm moving around so much. Thank you for meeting me that one time (at the restaurant, at the bar, at the Starbucks, at the airport, at the (fill in your own blank here)) because I didn't have enough time to spend more with you. Thank you, especially, those people who I haven't seen in years, or who a yearly meal at Christmas time is all I've seen you. Thank you to all of you who I haven't seen because you are off discovering the world in your own journey, and our paths just haven't crossed. Thank you to everyone who understands my erratic emails and facebook messages that just say "I love you and I miss you." It's the simplest way for me to express that I am so glad that you are in my life - even though you may be thousands of miles away. Thank you to everyone who has been there just to listen, even though you may not be able to do anything about the situation - you're doing the greatest thing ever just by listening.

I don't know where my adventures will take me. I do know that if I were to all of a sudden be independently wealthy, the first thing I would do would be to plan a road trip of the greats, and criss cross the United States, and take every single one of my friends out to the fanciest dinner they've ever eaten. (Not to fear, international friends, the second thing I would do is plan the international trip :)

So thank you again, for being there, for listening, for caring, for loving. This life is too short to not have the best of friends while you're living it. I'm lucky, because I do.

So, to all of you:

I love you. I miss you.

love, Bethy

The North Wind

Last weekend, I was cavorting around in a tank top and running shorts, basking in the sun and devouring popsicles outside of AC after Ultimate frisbee.

Yesterday, we all recognized that fall was here - it was a chilly day, hardly making it above fifty degrees, though sunny and gorgeous outside. Some friends capitalized on the weather by having last cookout for the year. The north wind had started to blow, and we could feel the winter coming.

This morning, as I woke and dressed in the dark, I listened to the news and weather on the radio, and the low 30s ambient temperature combined with gusting winds up to almost 30mph pushed the windchill to 11 degrees.

Last weekend was summer, yesterday was fall. Today, it's winter.

***********************************
Aside from the weather, I'm performing at the Bethel Art Guild's Steel Salmon auction this weekend with my band. (We still need a name). There's four of us, and we're playing in 15 minute sets in between the segments of the live auction part of the evening. I'm excited, especially for our last song, as we bust out Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' bluegrass style.

Other than that, there's not too much to update everyone on. I'm still missing Newark pretty much every day - I'm really excited for what's happening in the Newark Public Schools with that money from Mark Zuckerburg, but honestly, it makes me really nervous that Chris Christie is ultimately in charge of it. It also does really seem to reek of media attention that Mark Zuckerburg is being so extremely philanthropic just as the movie "Social Network" that seems to portray him as, well, as a big dick to put it bluntly. Waaait, you say. So potentially to improve his image, Mark Zuckerburg, 35th richest person in America (at 26!) is giving $100 million to Newark schools?!?! Yup. And honestly, I couldn't care less if he's doing it to make himself look better. Newark schools need money. And having seen this first hand, I don't care if it's money designed to get Mr. Zuckerburg looking better in the media - take it and run, Newark!

I decorated my desk at work with some pictures from the last year - just to make it a little more 'me'. There's Newark City Hall on a beautiful day, me with some of the Bradley Court kids, a night out in New York City, me right after running the Broad Street Run in Philly - all amazing times, and it helps keep me motivated...especially the ones of my Bradley Court kids.

I've got to get better at updating this - with the colder weather, hopefully, I will get better at all this communication stuff...haha...one can only hope!

Love, Bethy

P.S. This morning, we had 12 hours and 3 minutes of light (sunrise to sunset) and since we're losing about 5 and a half minutes a day, tomorrow will officially be the first day of more dark than light. So goodnight world, see you again when I wake up in April!

B

night in the morning

I walked to work in the dark this morning. Very dark. Like nighttime dark.

...winter is coming.

Sunrise - 8:25am
Sunset - 8:51pm


-Bethy

Slow your roll, AC

Wow. Who's been to the grocery store lately?

I know that I should expect the prices here to cause bile to rise in my throat. I did just move back from downstates, where prices are lower. I know that. There's an adjustment period that you have to take into account, even though I have a job and am making money. That doesn't mean that I really want to spend it. Especially not on groceries.

But for being gone for just one year, there are some things at AC that I can't believe have gotten that much more expensive. The 20oz bottle of soda that was $2.39 before is now $2.79. That's quite the increase. $.40 in one year? I know that soda didn't increase in price anywhere else downstates...and frankly, it's saved me quite a few bucks because I can't imagine paying almost $3.00 for something that's bad for me anyway. Funnily enough, a gallon of milk has stayed steady at $8.99, but the half gallons have gone from $5.79 to $6.19 (but at least they're not $6.79, like at Swanson's). It's completely outrageous.

Not that I won't buy things. I tried that for about a week...and then caved. There are some things that I didn't get as much of as I wanted in my JV year, and I don't care how much it costs, I WILL get my orange juice!

Ahh, the trials and tribulations of living in rural Alaska...

Love, Bethy