Aunt Eleanor Falejczyk

In and amongst all the life going on in my life, and in Bethel, and in the world, there is also death. One of those things you don't think about until it hits you right between the eyes, and forces you to look at it right in the face and think about it.

My great aunt Eleanor (my mom's mom's brother's wife) died last night in a hospital in New York, and I guess that it's not so much that I had a super close relationship to her (though I did see her pretty much every time I went back to visit Busia) as much as the feeling of loss in the family as a whole. She was the only connection I ever felt to my Uncle Frankie, who died when I was 2 or something like that, and who I only can see in pictures. And Aunt Eleanor, the last time I saw her, was still so spunky. That is one thing that I can say for the women in my family, whether related by blood or marriage. We're all pretty spunky. No matter how old we get.

It's hard to be so far away up here, and feel like I can't be there with my family. October was the one year since Busia died, and I couldn't believe it had gone so fast. But at the same time, I miss her so much, and I think about her more often than I ever did before she was sick. It's ironic how someone not being there anymore makes you realize how important they were to you, and how much you may have taken them for granted.

I think it's hard for me also, because for a period of time, after my grandfather died, and before Busia died, there weren't any deaths that I had to deal with. There were about 11 or 12 years where I didn't have to confront death, and then, in the past year and couple months, there have been 3 deaths in my family. I guess you just get out of practice.

If anything else, this just makes me want to go to NY and be with my cousins, and my aunts and uncles, as dysfunctional as we all are. I barely know my cousins on my Mom's side, and I have only met most of the relatives on my Dad's side once. And I don't want to be the estranged family member just because of geography. It's hard enough to lose family, but I think it may even be harder to lose family that you wish you knew better. I wish I had been able to talk to Aunt Eleanor more often. I should have written her more letters. And I wish that I could have listened to more of her stories. I feel like when family members die, a little piece of me dies too. Because we're all the keepers of our history, and there are pieces that we'll never know now.

I know that there is nothing that I can do, but I still feel really poorly about that fact. I know that death comes for everyone at some time, but it still hurts a lot. I hope she didn't suffer. I hope she knew how much she was loved, and I know now that she's somewhere, with Uncle Frankie, and Busia, and Grandpa, and all their friends, looking down and not wanting us to cry. But the tears flow anyway, as they always will.