I wonder why fear scares me so much. I mean, FDR was, right, I think when he said "the only thing to fear is fear itself." But becoming frozen by your fear is crazy. I know it's nuts. And it happens to me anyway. And I'm not sure how to defrost myself.
I know I care, so why do I insist that I do not? And how do I deal with the fact that sometimes I can't even tell what's the lie I'm putting out there because I don't want others to know the truth, and what I really feel. The actor is caught not knowing what is her scripted line, and what is the line from her heart. How can I ever be true to anything, or anyone, if I don't know what my truth is? And who decides what truth is? My truth is different than yours, and yours from everyone else's. The truth that comes from knowing oneself is a dream that slips through my grasping fingers the moment I wake, and only in my dreams can I see who I am, and see myself in harmony with the world.
And at the moment, I feel a little like a dysfunctional salt shaker. One that either sprinkles too little salt or too much, never able to walk the middle line.
I fear change, yet, I fear staying in one place. Falling in love with everywhere, yet, never being satiated. I want to explore, I want to see things, but I will need a place to be home. I'm afraid that I won't ever find that. I won't ever find the one thing I'm looking for most fervently, and all my prayers in the world can't help me if I'm in my own way. But I don't even know if I am. If I knew the reason, I'd fix it. But trying different medications without a proper diagnosis isn't healthy. And maybe neither is this.
The problem is that I won't know until it's too late.
I know in my heart that it's not the end. I have faith that it's just the beginning. But I also have the self-doubt that I'll ever get there.
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