I guess it's been two months since I've updated...poor. Life has been pretty crazy busy. A quick update:
I finished Giving Tree as much as I possibly could before boarding a plane home...while I was at home, I called, and heard that all the boxes had gotten off ok, and everyone had a gift up in shelter on Christmas, and it all worked out. Thank goodness.
Home was good - a little different, as we were snowed/iced in to my house for the first three days that we were home, and then it was Christmas, then we took a few day family vacation to the beach, so I tried to see all my friends in 4 days before coming back. It was a little crazy, but definitely amazing to see everyone.
I came back to Bethel and back into a whirlwind of things going on. I had Wizard of Oz rehearsals everyday for 2-4 hours, and my job changed a little bit as soon as I got back. Honey Barbara had three gigs booked, and so were practicing a few times a week, and I barely had time for anything else....
The K300 benefit concert went really well, we played for about 30 minutes in our suspenders, and everyone had a really great time. Then we had the race weekend, which I got really into, kind of surprisingly. I was there for the start, and then Anthony and I kept tabs on all the mushers all weekend, and stayed up, and walked down to the river to see the first 5 guys come in. I was really rooting for Martin Buser, but he came in 2nd. Just 8 minutes behind Mitch Seavey, but it was really fun (though extremely cold) to be out on the river watching them all come in at 2:30 in the morning.
We were double booked for Jan. 20th, as we were going to play the Inaugural Ball and the K300 banquet, so we packed all our instruments in the car, and went from cultural center to Long House, managing to rock both places. Naomi Hooley from Juneau was there at the I Ball, and we played a few songs with her that she plays with her band One Aisle Over. That was pretty amazing.
Anthony left us at the end of January, after an Irish Wake party that I hope fufilled all his hopes and dreams of everything that it would be. At one point, he laid on the kitchen table, and people came up and told a memory that they had of him. There were a few appropriate ones, but most were great roasting stories. It was really fun, and we all wish him well back in California, but I miss him lots.
Then, the next weekend (no rest for the weary) I was off to see the Wizard. The show turned out great (honestly, tons better than I thought it would) and definately Toto stole every show we did. I had some bites and scratches at the end of the run, but nothing a little girl from Kansas couldn't handle. Thanks to Leah for making my hair look great every night, and to Jen, Dez, Alicia, and Colleen for keeping me sane.
...And then I had all this free time...so, I got myself reaquainted with my kitchen, and I haven't been able to pull myself out of it since. I've been making everything, from tamale pie to cakes, to bean dip to Valentine's cookies dipped in chocolate. (I've also gained like 10 pounds...an unfortunate side effect to cooking and eating it.)
Sometime in this mess that was the last two months, I managed to fill out an application for Jesuit Volunteers International, (https://www.jesuitvolunteers.org/default.cfm?PID=1.36.2) and they selected my application to have a phone interview with me. So, that takes place tomorrow at 11am my time, and maybe after that phone call, I'll have a little bit of a better idea what I want to do with my life...probably not, but a girl can wish, yeah?
It's been insane, and hopefully everything will calm down a little bit now that so many of those things are over. But, I know that I'll find other things to fill up my days with...
...so, until next time, I'm (trying to be) keepin' it real...
Love, B
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sausage Saturday
The end of another weekend...
I made sausage yesterday morning, then went to Saturday market, and stayed at home and watched the Office last night. Low key weekend = probably a change I needed.
I'm leaving for home in 6 days, and as excited as I am, there's a nervousness there too, which I did not expect at all. I miss my friends so bad, but I know that the person that I am when I left Lacey on August 8 is completely transformed. And, just like when I left for college, and came back that first time, yes, I am expecting things to not sit exactly right.
I don't know how I'll react to being home, now that this, at least in part, has become my home. Faster than anywhere else, this is home. It's comforting and terrifying at the same time.
...such is life, eh?
I made sausage yesterday morning, then went to Saturday market, and stayed at home and watched the Office last night. Low key weekend = probably a change I needed.
I'm leaving for home in 6 days, and as excited as I am, there's a nervousness there too, which I did not expect at all. I miss my friends so bad, but I know that the person that I am when I left Lacey on August 8 is completely transformed. And, just like when I left for college, and came back that first time, yes, I am expecting things to not sit exactly right.
I don't know how I'll react to being home, now that this, at least in part, has become my home. Faster than anywhere else, this is home. It's comforting and terrifying at the same time.
...such is life, eh?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Take her back, Josephine.
This song just seemed appropriate. It's beautiful, and I think it fits that my Busia's name was Josephine. I'm really going to miss Aunt Eleanor.
Josephine by Brandi Carlile
Take me back Josephine
To that cold and dark December
I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm trying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you
Noontime wind can you blow
For me one more time
And take me on back to the start
Where the midnight moon shines so bright
Nearly pulled us up to Heaven
By the strings of our heart
Take me back Josephine
To that cold and dark December
I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm trying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you
Morning sun shine on me
Come light inside my window
And rest on my brow
Kiss my eyes when I sleep
And carry me back home
If my dreams will allow
Take me back Josephine
To that cold and dark December
I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm trying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you
Take me back Josephine
To that cold and dark December
I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm dying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you
Someone help me understand why I'm still loving you
Josephine by Brandi Carlile
Take me back Josephine
To that cold and dark December
I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm trying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you
Noontime wind can you blow
For me one more time
And take me on back to the start
Where the midnight moon shines so bright
Nearly pulled us up to Heaven
By the strings of our heart
Take me back Josephine
To that cold and dark December
I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm trying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you
Morning sun shine on me
Come light inside my window
And rest on my brow
Kiss my eyes when I sleep
And carry me back home
If my dreams will allow
Take me back Josephine
To that cold and dark December
I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm trying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you
Take me back Josephine
To that cold and dark December
I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm dying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you
Someone help me understand why I'm still loving you
Aunt Eleanor Falejczyk
In and amongst all the life going on in my life, and in Bethel, and in the world, there is also death. One of those things you don't think about until it hits you right between the eyes, and forces you to look at it right in the face and think about it.
My great aunt Eleanor (my mom's mom's brother's wife) died last night in a hospital in New York, and I guess that it's not so much that I had a super close relationship to her (though I did see her pretty much every time I went back to visit Busia) as much as the feeling of loss in the family as a whole. She was the only connection I ever felt to my Uncle Frankie, who died when I was 2 or something like that, and who I only can see in pictures. And Aunt Eleanor, the last time I saw her, was still so spunky. That is one thing that I can say for the women in my family, whether related by blood or marriage. We're all pretty spunky. No matter how old we get.
It's hard to be so far away up here, and feel like I can't be there with my family. October was the one year since Busia died, and I couldn't believe it had gone so fast. But at the same time, I miss her so much, and I think about her more often than I ever did before she was sick. It's ironic how someone not being there anymore makes you realize how important they were to you, and how much you may have taken them for granted.
I think it's hard for me also, because for a period of time, after my grandfather died, and before Busia died, there weren't any deaths that I had to deal with. There were about 11 or 12 years where I didn't have to confront death, and then, in the past year and couple months, there have been 3 deaths in my family. I guess you just get out of practice.
If anything else, this just makes me want to go to NY and be with my cousins, and my aunts and uncles, as dysfunctional as we all are. I barely know my cousins on my Mom's side, and I have only met most of the relatives on my Dad's side once. And I don't want to be the estranged family member just because of geography. It's hard enough to lose family, but I think it may even be harder to lose family that you wish you knew better. I wish I had been able to talk to Aunt Eleanor more often. I should have written her more letters. And I wish that I could have listened to more of her stories. I feel like when family members die, a little piece of me dies too. Because we're all the keepers of our history, and there are pieces that we'll never know now.
I know that there is nothing that I can do, but I still feel really poorly about that fact. I know that death comes for everyone at some time, but it still hurts a lot. I hope she didn't suffer. I hope she knew how much she was loved, and I know now that she's somewhere, with Uncle Frankie, and Busia, and Grandpa, and all their friends, looking down and not wanting us to cry. But the tears flow anyway, as they always will.
My great aunt Eleanor (my mom's mom's brother's wife) died last night in a hospital in New York, and I guess that it's not so much that I had a super close relationship to her (though I did see her pretty much every time I went back to visit Busia) as much as the feeling of loss in the family as a whole. She was the only connection I ever felt to my Uncle Frankie, who died when I was 2 or something like that, and who I only can see in pictures. And Aunt Eleanor, the last time I saw her, was still so spunky. That is one thing that I can say for the women in my family, whether related by blood or marriage. We're all pretty spunky. No matter how old we get.
It's hard to be so far away up here, and feel like I can't be there with my family. October was the one year since Busia died, and I couldn't believe it had gone so fast. But at the same time, I miss her so much, and I think about her more often than I ever did before she was sick. It's ironic how someone not being there anymore makes you realize how important they were to you, and how much you may have taken them for granted.
I think it's hard for me also, because for a period of time, after my grandfather died, and before Busia died, there weren't any deaths that I had to deal with. There were about 11 or 12 years where I didn't have to confront death, and then, in the past year and couple months, there have been 3 deaths in my family. I guess you just get out of practice.
If anything else, this just makes me want to go to NY and be with my cousins, and my aunts and uncles, as dysfunctional as we all are. I barely know my cousins on my Mom's side, and I have only met most of the relatives on my Dad's side once. And I don't want to be the estranged family member just because of geography. It's hard enough to lose family, but I think it may even be harder to lose family that you wish you knew better. I wish I had been able to talk to Aunt Eleanor more often. I should have written her more letters. And I wish that I could have listened to more of her stories. I feel like when family members die, a little piece of me dies too. Because we're all the keepers of our history, and there are pieces that we'll never know now.
I know that there is nothing that I can do, but I still feel really poorly about that fact. I know that death comes for everyone at some time, but it still hurts a lot. I hope she didn't suffer. I hope she knew how much she was loved, and I know now that she's somewhere, with Uncle Frankie, and Busia, and Grandpa, and all their friends, looking down and not wanting us to cry. But the tears flow anyway, as they always will.
Monday, December 1, 2008
purposely ambiguous blog
I wonder why fear scares me so much. I mean, FDR was, right, I think when he said "the only thing to fear is fear itself." But becoming frozen by your fear is crazy. I know it's nuts. And it happens to me anyway. And I'm not sure how to defrost myself.
I know I care, so why do I insist that I do not? And how do I deal with the fact that sometimes I can't even tell what's the lie I'm putting out there because I don't want others to know the truth, and what I really feel. The actor is caught not knowing what is her scripted line, and what is the line from her heart. How can I ever be true to anything, or anyone, if I don't know what my truth is? And who decides what truth is? My truth is different than yours, and yours from everyone else's. The truth that comes from knowing oneself is a dream that slips through my grasping fingers the moment I wake, and only in my dreams can I see who I am, and see myself in harmony with the world.
And at the moment, I feel a little like a dysfunctional salt shaker. One that either sprinkles too little salt or too much, never able to walk the middle line.
I fear change, yet, I fear staying in one place. Falling in love with everywhere, yet, never being satiated. I want to explore, I want to see things, but I will need a place to be home. I'm afraid that I won't ever find that. I won't ever find the one thing I'm looking for most fervently, and all my prayers in the world can't help me if I'm in my own way. But I don't even know if I am. If I knew the reason, I'd fix it. But trying different medications without a proper diagnosis isn't healthy. And maybe neither is this.
The problem is that I won't know until it's too late.
I know in my heart that it's not the end. I have faith that it's just the beginning. But I also have the self-doubt that I'll ever get there.
I know I care, so why do I insist that I do not? And how do I deal with the fact that sometimes I can't even tell what's the lie I'm putting out there because I don't want others to know the truth, and what I really feel. The actor is caught not knowing what is her scripted line, and what is the line from her heart. How can I ever be true to anything, or anyone, if I don't know what my truth is? And who decides what truth is? My truth is different than yours, and yours from everyone else's. The truth that comes from knowing oneself is a dream that slips through my grasping fingers the moment I wake, and only in my dreams can I see who I am, and see myself in harmony with the world.
And at the moment, I feel a little like a dysfunctional salt shaker. One that either sprinkles too little salt or too much, never able to walk the middle line.
I fear change, yet, I fear staying in one place. Falling in love with everywhere, yet, never being satiated. I want to explore, I want to see things, but I will need a place to be home. I'm afraid that I won't ever find that. I won't ever find the one thing I'm looking for most fervently, and all my prayers in the world can't help me if I'm in my own way. But I don't even know if I am. If I knew the reason, I'd fix it. But trying different medications without a proper diagnosis isn't healthy. And maybe neither is this.
The problem is that I won't know until it's too late.
I know in my heart that it's not the end. I have faith that it's just the beginning. But I also have the self-doubt that I'll ever get there.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
tofu and other thoughts
I just had tofu for the first time since I moved from home. Wow. Tofu and a good conversation. It kind of blew my socks off how much I missed it. (I mean, I get good conversation here pretty regularly, but definitely not tofu.)
So I've been thinking quite a lot about what next year means in terms of where I'm going to be living and what I'm going to be doing. I am going to be applying to Jesuit Volunteers International (working on the application now) but I also know that many people apply to JVI every year, and many don't get in.
I also know that Bethel is a place that even if I leave, I won't ever be able to forget. Maybe it's because of the people I've met here, maybe it's the awesome beauty of the tundra, maybe it's the work I'm doing, but there is something about it here that makes it hard to think about leaving.
I've been trying to open myself up to all the options, but, in the way that I always manage to do, I get all fucked up over everything. Is it worth the fear of leaving to go? Or is it worth the fear of everyone else leaving to stay?
Though I don't consider this any final decision at all, this song by Slaid Cleaves really spoke to me. I figure when things like this jump out at me, it's probably worth it to listen to what they're saying, right?
So I've been thinking quite a lot about what next year means in terms of where I'm going to be living and what I'm going to be doing. I am going to be applying to Jesuit Volunteers International (working on the application now) but I also know that many people apply to JVI every year, and many don't get in.
I also know that Bethel is a place that even if I leave, I won't ever be able to forget. Maybe it's because of the people I've met here, maybe it's the awesome beauty of the tundra, maybe it's the work I'm doing, but there is something about it here that makes it hard to think about leaving.
I've been trying to open myself up to all the options, but, in the way that I always manage to do, I get all fucked up over everything. Is it worth the fear of leaving to go? Or is it worth the fear of everyone else leaving to stay?
Though I don't consider this any final decision at all, this song by Slaid Cleaves really spoke to me. I figure when things like this jump out at me, it's probably worth it to listen to what they're saying, right?
One Good Year
It's New Year's Day
Just like the day before
Same old skies of grey
Same empty bottles on the floor
Another year gone by
And I'm thinking once again
How can I take this losing hand
And somehow win
Just give me one good year
To get my feet back on the ground
I've been chasing grace
But grace ain't so easily found
One bad hand can devil a man
Chase him and carry him down
I gotta get out of here
Just give me one good year
I'm burning oil
Engine's running rough
I drive from job to job
But it's never enough
I can't find the will
To just up and get away
Some kind of chains holding me down
To make me stay.
Just give me one good year.....
It's a bitter wind
In your face every day
It's the little sins
That wear your soul away
When you start giving in
Where do the promises all go
Will your darkest hour
Write a blank check on your soul
Just give me one good year
To get my feet back on the ground
I've been chasing grace
But grace ain't so easily found
One bad hand can devil a man
A good one can turn him around
I gotta get out of here
Just give me one good year
I gotta get out of here
Just give me one good year
Sunday, November 23, 2008
record
Record Report
Statement as of 9:28 am EST on November 23, 2008
Record event report: National Weather Service Bethel AK 5:30 am akst Sun. Nov 23 2008... New low temperature record set for the 23rd... at 4:22 am akst the temperature reached 26 degrees below zero.This breaks the record of 21 below set November 23 1988.
The crazy part is that ambient temperature of -26 doesn't mean much when there's a 20 mph wind blowing across town. That's when the temperature is really -46. Wow.
Statement as of 9:28 am EST on November 23, 2008
Record event report: National Weather Service Bethel AK 5:30 am akst Sun. Nov 23 2008... New low temperature record set for the 23rd... at 4:22 am akst the temperature reached 26 degrees below zero.This breaks the record of 21 below set November 23 1988.
The crazy part is that ambient temperature of -26 doesn't mean much when there's a 20 mph wind blowing across town. That's when the temperature is really -46. Wow.
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